I have been married to my DH for almost 4 years. It is hard to believe that it is 4 years. Not because it has gone by so fast, but because it is a miracle that we are still married.
Last year, we were on the verge of divorce. Or seperation. Or atleast I was. I thought that was what I wanted. And as much as DH fought me to keep our marriage together, I think, that towards the end, he was resigned to us splitting up. I do accept blame for my actions that contributed to the volitile state of our marriage. Just as he, I think, accepts blame for his actions. We are both to blame (though, I may be moreso to blame them him...)
I don't exactly have the best track record when it comes to relationships. I seem to be drawn to the guys who will use and abuse me and then toss me away like yesterday's garbage. DH is none of that. In fact, he is the total opposite of any guy I have ever dated. And that scared me.
I knew what it was like to be cheated on, beat, lied to, stolen from, put down, and hurt on a daily basis. I knew those feelings like the back of my hand. And even though they were bad feeling...it was all I knew. DH wasn't like that all. There has never been a moment in the 4 and half years we have known eachother that he has not been there for me. He offers moral and emotional support, even if what I am going through is greek to him. He has always been there...and I have no doubt that he will always continue to be there.
I pushed him away...even after a few years of marriage, I still have that wall that I can't quiet put down. And it creates problems between us. We fought all the time. And there were times that it got bad...but somehow, in the morning light, I looked at him and he looked at me and we realized how much we loved and needed eachother. So we work.
Each day we have to work on our marriage to keep it going. Marriage is not easy...nor should it be. Anything worth having is worth the fight. We have to work.
We have made it a point to work on our marriage...as much as two people can with small children under foot. We have talked about where our flaws lie, and what we are going to do to change them. Or if we even want to change them. We do.
I am working on letting my guard down. I am learning to love myself. And that is my DH doesn't seem to support what I am doing, that is ok. It doesn't matter what he, or anyone else thinks..as long as I am happy with myself.
And I am finally getting there.