Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I don't know...

I have sat down many times over the course of the last two days and tried to write a blog post. But the blank screen just mocked me. And when I did manage to write a few words, they seemed forced, fake. And that is the last thing I wanted. I have always felt that a blog, well my blog anyways, should be full of words that were not forced, thoughts that flowed unrestricted...and lately, I just haven't been able to do that.

And it isn't just my blog either. It is in every aspect of my life. Everything has come to a standstill. And I hate it. I think that is what makes it even worse. Is I feel it, but am at a loss to actually fix it.

It is not that I am unmotivated. I just don't know what to do. I am struggling internally right now. Its a battle that I have to fight with myself I suppose.

I joined a local "moms" group. I am going to their first meeting next Tuesday. I am already trying to find ways to get out of it. It is not that I don't want to go, because I do. I am so incredibly isolated here. It is that I don't make friends easily. I have this inherent fear of being judged. I never feel like I am good enough.

I am working on making changes...they need to be made,especially for my children's sakes. I am trying to get more organized. Trying to become "unstuck".

I can do this.

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Sunday, February 21, 2010—Be Heard. Be Happy.

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Saturday, February 20, 2010

For the first time

Aidan is 3, Morgan is 2. For the first time--ever--in their short little lives, they got to play outside in a yard. A real yard. Not that little postage stamp sized-shared with 2 other neighbors-near the train tracks-beer bottle and cigarette butt minefield-yard they had, but a large yard. They had room to run. I wasn't having to yell every 2 seconds for them to watch out for beer bottles, or to get off the neighbor's patio or to stay away from the tracks. And even when Aidan dared to venture across the street I didn't worry--we live on a dead end street. It was nice. We spent an hour out in the snow, climbing trees, building snowmen and just playing. It was the first time in over two years that the kids had a safe place to play.

I have been longing for a place to call "home" for some time now. the townhome never felt like home. Not with the neighbors or the mold or any of that. Today, as I laid out their snow gear in the laundry room to dry I finally felt that peace that I have been longing...

For the first time...

I feel like I am Home

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Its hard to believe...

About this time a year ago, I was discovering that I was 3 months pregnant..13 weeks to be exact..with Noah. Steve was still working third shift. My marriage was crumbling...and I already had three kids...could I really raise one more?

When I think back to my initial thoughts, I feel guilty. Because at first, I didn't want another baby. It was not a good time. I seriously doubted if I was equipped to handle another baby.

But, as time went on, I grew to love Noah more and more. And then, the end of my pregnancy came...and I almost lost Noah. Hearing him cry for the first time was the most wonderful sound ever.

Now that Noah is 7 months old, I don't doubt my ability to take care of my children. I know that I am doing the best that I can do. My kids are happy. They are healthy.

Noah is starting to crawl. He is eating more solid foods. He laughs and talks. He is doing amazingly well.

And, much to my husbands delight...

Sleeps in his own his own room.

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"If You Want To See The Rainbow...You Must First Weather the Storm"

I seen that phrase on the sign to a tiny little car wash. Actually, I have seen it day after day since I started driving my son to school...but today it spoke to me.

My marriage has weathered on heck of a storm. Twenty four hours ago, we were on the brink of separating. Closer then we have ever been before. The terror that I felt flowing through my veins was crippling. As mad as I was at him. As hurt as I was for the words that were spoken, I still believed that my marriage was worth saving.

And you know is worth saving. We talked. He held me. I cried. He apologized. For the first time in a long time...we connected.

Of course, that doesn't mean that my marriage is *poof* 100% better..because it is not. But it will get better. We will get stronger.

I have weathered the storm and I am enjoying the rainbows that followed

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Monday, February 15, 2010

The End Of The Road....

My heart is heavy. My eyes are red and puffy from all the tears I have cried. I feel lost. Numb. Empty.

There has been so much personal turmoil, that I have not had time to even consider focusing on anything work related. And that tears me up. I worked hard to build what I have, and now, because of personal issues, it is being torn down brick by brick.

When I got married to my husband nearly four years ago...I looked at it as the closing of one horrible chapter of my life and the beginning of something new. A chance to start fresh. To move forward from the pain that had encompassed my life for so many years prior to meeting my husband.

And for a brief was. It was everything that I had hoped it would be. I finally had someone in my life that loved me...really, truly, honestly, loved me...for the first time in a long time I was happy. I felt wanted and needed.

But, that time was short lived. When I got married, I vowed that my marriage would not suffer the same fate as my parents. I made a promise to myself that I would make my marriage matter what.

But what happens when the "no matter what" is just to big to deal with anymore? What happens when I continually sacrafice my happiness for someone who doesn't respect me? For someone who states "You do nothing to make me happy."?

My heart is broken this morning. I never wanted to give up on my marriage. But right now I feel like I have nothing left to give. The man that I love, doesn't love me.

I am broken. I don't know how to pick up the pieces. I don't know how to move on. I don't want to move on....I want my marriage. I want to be with my husband.

I know, though, that no matter what happens, I am going to be ok. I have to. I have four children who need their mom more then ever. I don't have time to sit and cry.

So maybe this is the end of the road...maybe it isn't...but right now i am focused on moving forward... with or without my husband.

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Friday, February 12, 2010


Damien is fast approaching 8 year old. His father and I split up when he was 6 months old. Yes 6 months old. That means we have had nearly 8 years to get it right when it comes to coparenting Damien.

I am not perfect, by any means, but I do my best to raise all of my children the best I can. I have made it a point to never talk bad about Damien's father in his presence or even in some obscure way online, as he has done to me. I have done a very good job.

Recently, though, I have noticed that he is placing Damien in the middle of some game . He has become quite controlling and demanding, and I am starting to get worried. His emails have become increasingly nasty in tone.

Damien has a Pine Wood Derby race this weekend. This also happens to be his father's weekend. In the past, I would do anything to avoid having to spend time together with his father and his father's girlfriend. I don't like confrontation. But this is important to Damien, so I accepted the fact that in order for Damien to be there, so did his father.

Damien asked me if he could just leave his uniform stuff here and have be bring it tomorrow to the event. I agreed I would prefer it that way anyways, as there are things on that uniform that if lost or damaged are hard to replace. Not that I am insinuating in anyway shape or form that his father is negligent or that something would happen to the uniform. I am just playing it safe.

His father sent me no fewer then three emails demanding I send the shirt. I politely explained the reasoning behind leaving the shirt in one place. Damien is fine with putting it on at the event.

Today, I get another email. Telling me that either I send the shirt, or he doesn't wear it at all. And if I bring the shirt, and Damien chooses to wear it, he is making Damien leave...

He is willing to throw away all of Damien's hard work...over a shirt.

I am angry. I am sad. I am confused. Aren't we supposed to be co-parenting? Aren't we supposed to be making things comfortable for Damien? It has been eight years since we went our seperate ways. I put aside whatever feelings of ill I held towards him eight years wasn't worth didn't help Damien. But here we are, all these years later and his father is still bitter. Still holding bad feelings. Still trying to punish me for something..I don't know what. (the split was his idea. He filed court papers. He took Damien and tried to keep him from me...HIM...not me)

I know that Damien will have a good time at his pinewood derby race this weekend. Shirt or Not.

It is just unfortunate that things have gotten the way they have.

Do you co-parent? How do you deal with issues with the other parent?

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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How Will You Create Change: Win a HP Notebook and Printer.

HP recently launched a Create Change Campaign. 4% of each purchase made at the HP Direct Store will go towards one of their 7 charities.

We were asked by Jolly Mom what we would do to" create change in 2010 and how will you use the winning technology bundle to help you?"

I am currently working on starting a non-profit. Recently, my seven-month old, Noah, spent some time in the hospital after being diagnosed with Pneumonia. During his stay in the hospital, I noticed that our hospital was not prepared to occupy children who are in the hospital or even the siblings that may come to visit. Noah was hooked up to IV's and unable to take advantage the tiny play room that was on the floor.

After we left, I thought about the other children that were in the hospital or even in the ER. And, while I don't have a name, the idea for my non-profit was born.

Through my organization we will provide small plastic totes that contain age appropiate toys, coloring books and crayons and a blanket for children from ages 4 months on up. The children will be able to take these boxes with them with they are discharged. They will also be available for children that are in the ER awaiting test results. We will also provide boxes to children that are visiting family members in the hospital as well.

The new technology bundle will help me in many ways. The first being that I am currently using an outdated E-machines computer to work. The notebook will allow me to do the research, type the documents and do the paperwork needed to run my nonprofit. With the printer, I will be able to print out brochures, flyers and other information for the nonprofit.

This is a cause that is very near and dear to my heart as it will allow me to touch so many children's lives. Being in the hospital can be a very scary thing for any child. This is my way of making it a little easier.

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If the house is a rockin....

I was sleeping. Warm and comfortable in my bed. Only had a couple of hours left until it would be time to wake up and start my day...

Then my mom 430am! She never calls...

Melissa, are you ok??"

I am confused. "Yes Mom, why?"

"There was an earthquake! It was centered in Dekalb/Sycamore...where you live"

Appareantly at 4am this morning, a 4.3 magnitude earthquake, centered in my area, hit. It was felt all the way from Iowa to Indiana and all points in between.

I thought I felt something. The baby had started crying. But I didn't realize it was an earthquake.

According to the lady on the news, there is an inactive fault line that runs through Illinois...

I am guessing it is not so inactive anymore.

Things appear to be ok. Once the sun comes up, I will venture out to check the house. I will admit it, I am kinda scared. I have to drive today. I don't know what to do if an earthquake hits while I am driving? What if the next one is bigger? What if i am just being a big baby because I live in Illinois, and things like this just dont happen here?

What a way to start the morning...

Now, wheres my coffee

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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

This N' That Tuesday

Noah was hospitalized unexpectedly last Monday and Tuesday with Pneumonia. After 4 rounds of Rocephin injections (antibiotics), daily nebulizer treatments, predisone, and oral antibiotics, he is doing much better. It was definately scary to see my seven month old hooked up to IVs and oxygen tubes


We are still living out of boxes. Noah's hospitalization followed by a week of non stop dr appointments really put me behind. I am unplugging from the computer for a bit today to work on getting this chaos in order


I have launched, well almost , my new Freelance/Virtual Assistant business. I got my business cards today and have been working on the blog this week.


I am working on a non my blog post "I am inspired" for more details and to see how you can help

Have a great Tuesday!!

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Friday, February 5, 2010

I am inspired...

After Noah's recent hospital stay for Pneumonia, I became inspired. Our hospital, while truly wonderful, is a smaller hospital. After sitting in a hospital room with 3 healthy kids and one sick baby I realized that I wanted to do something to help the children who are admited. Something to help them feel more comfortable and to make their stay a little less scary.

It is my goal to start a non profit, this year, that will provide small plastic tote boxes of age appropiate toys, coloring books/crayons and a blanket to children who are admited to the hospital. Eventually, this will expand to include children visiting the ER. The children will be able to take their boxes home with them upon discharge as well. I also want to provide children who are visiting family members in the hospital with a box as I know how antsy young children can get.

My mission statement is simple: "Our goal is to provide boxes of age appropiate toys, coloring books and crayons and a blanket to each child that is admited to the hospital. We want to provide a sense of comfort in what otherwise can be a very scary experience."

These boxes will be made for all ages starting at 4months on up.

We will rely on donations of funds and products for our project.

Please email me for more information at to see how you can help!

For now, we will be focusing within the state of IL and WI. We hope to expand nationally within the next 12 months.

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Thursday, February 4, 2010

This N That Tuesday (On Thursday!)

This has been a hell of a week. I am so beyond glad that it is almost the weekend. I have nothing planned other then sitting on my butt and watching TV (and maybe unpacking some boxes)
We moved last Saturday. We are finally getting around to unpacking our boxes this week. After almost a week of "what box did you put_____in?" (I told my husband to lable the boxes) we are finally starting to find our things...although I still have not found my beloved Tassimo Coffee Maker...
Noah spent Monday and Tuesday in the hospital with pneumonia. It was a very scary and heartbreaking sight to see my 7 month old baby hooked up to oxygen and ivs. A few Rocephin (antibiotic) shots later he is doing much better. I am forever grateful for the drs and nurse at the hospital and our drs office.
I am tired. More tired then I have been in a while. But I have many things in store for the coming weeks. Feburary is going to be great

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Writer's Workshop: Reacting to an emergency

I have been fairly fortunate throughout life. There really hasn't been many "emergencies". And with four kids, that is nothing short of a miracle.

Until just this week.

Noah got sick.

For about a week, the older three kids had been battling colds, coughs and the occasional fever. They were getting better, and save for lingering coughs, are pretty much over whatever it was.

Then Noah got it. Now, as a mom of 4, I am not the type to go running for the phone every time my kids get sick. So, when Noah started coughing, I just suctioned his nose. When he first got a fever, I chalked it up to teething and gave him Tylenol. Until Monday----

Monday it became apparent that Noah's fever and cough were something more then just a simple cold. His fever was at 102.5. He would not eat, or even rouse for diaper changes. Something was wrong with my baby.

Noah ended up being admited to the hospital for treatment of Pneumonia. Let me be the first to say..i don't handle emergencies well at all.

I cried. Alot. I yelled at my husband. Alot. I paced the room. I cried some more. All I could do was look at my poor baby, oxygen tubes in his nose, ivs in his arms and cry.

I liked to think that prior to this, I would be the type of mom who faces an emergency with grace. I would be the mom who has it all together and in turn keeps her family together.

Instead, I held my 7 year old and cried with him as we worried about little Noah.

Instead of being in "calm" mode. I was in "breakdown" mode. My eyes were puffy and my head hurt from all the crying that I did. I was angry with myself, my husband, the doctors.

Noah is doing better today. He is back to his normal self and is on his last of two injections of Antibiotics. I am glad that Noah has come out this unscathed...

Me, however, not so much. :-)

(Join me at Mama Kat's for more writer workshop fun)

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Monday, February 1, 2010

I dont want to be strong

It is after midnight as I sit in a never quite the right temperature hospital room, taking advantage of the free internet, typing on a keyboard that hates me.

Noah was admitted to our local hospital at 3pm on the 1st with pneumonia and a fever of over 102. This is probably the most scared that I have ever been in my entire life--even more scared then when I was in danger of loosing him before birth. Because then it was me getting the ivs and bloodwork. It was me being poked and prodded by a plethora of doctors and nurses every 2 hours. It was me. Tonight though, it is him. It is him who has been poked and prodded every few hours since we got here. It is him who is confined to a hospital bed that threatens to swallow him whole. What I wouldn't give to switch places with him right now...

My heart aches. My head hurts. My arms long to hold my baby. Instead, I must settled for rubbing his stomach until he falls asleep. I won't lie...tears have fallen endlessly since this all happened nearly 12 hours ago. "Be strong for Noah" my mom told me. "It is no big deal, you had it at 4 months, remember?" says my dad.

Be strong, my husband repeated as he herded our other children home. Be strong.

I dont want to be strong. I dont want to be the one who has to hold other people up...again and again. Tonight I feel weak. Tonight I feel like I am the one who needs someone else to be strong for a change. I feel like crumbling to the floor in a heap.

But I cant. I have to be strong for Noah. He cant tell the drs what is wrong. He cant fend for himself. I have to be strong.

I try to tell myself that this is nearly over. I promised Noah, that I would do whatever I had to to get him out of here in the morning. And I will.

Tonight....I am strong.

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