Monday, February 1, 2010

I dont want to be strong

It is after midnight as I sit in a never quite the right temperature hospital room, taking advantage of the free internet, typing on a keyboard that hates me.

Noah was admitted to our local hospital at 3pm on the 1st with pneumonia and a fever of over 102. This is probably the most scared that I have ever been in my entire life--even more scared then when I was in danger of loosing him before birth. Because then it was me getting the ivs and bloodwork. It was me being poked and prodded by a plethora of doctors and nurses every 2 hours. It was me. Tonight though, it is him. It is him who has been poked and prodded every few hours since we got here. It is him who is confined to a hospital bed that threatens to swallow him whole. What I wouldn't give to switch places with him right now...

My heart aches. My head hurts. My arms long to hold my baby. Instead, I must settled for rubbing his stomach until he falls asleep. I won't lie...tears have fallen endlessly since this all happened nearly 12 hours ago. "Be strong for Noah" my mom told me. "It is no big deal, you had it at 4 months, remember?" says my dad.

Be strong, my husband repeated as he herded our other children home. Be strong.

I dont want to be strong. I dont want to be the one who has to hold other people up...again and again. Tonight I feel weak. Tonight I feel like I am the one who needs someone else to be strong for a change. I feel like crumbling to the floor in a heap.

But I cant. I have to be strong for Noah. He cant tell the drs what is wrong. He cant fend for himself. I have to be strong.

I try to tell myself that this is nearly over. I promised Noah, that I would do whatever I had to to get him out of here in the morning. And I will.

Tonight....I am strong.

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1 comment:

  1. Poor kid :( and poor mom, too. We can't be strong all the time, it's ok to need to lean on others, too. I hope that your little one is all better, or at least well on his way to being all better!


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