Monday, February 15, 2010

The End Of The Road....

My heart is heavy. My eyes are red and puffy from all the tears I have cried. I feel lost. Numb. Empty.

There has been so much personal turmoil, that I have not had time to even consider focusing on anything work related. And that tears me up. I worked hard to build what I have, and now, because of personal issues, it is being torn down brick by brick.

When I got married to my husband nearly four years ago...I looked at it as the closing of one horrible chapter of my life and the beginning of something new. A chance to start fresh. To move forward from the pain that had encompassed my life for so many years prior to meeting my husband.

And for a brief was. It was everything that I had hoped it would be. I finally had someone in my life that loved me...really, truly, honestly, loved me...for the first time in a long time I was happy. I felt wanted and needed.

But, that time was short lived. When I got married, I vowed that my marriage would not suffer the same fate as my parents. I made a promise to myself that I would make my marriage matter what.

But what happens when the "no matter what" is just to big to deal with anymore? What happens when I continually sacrafice my happiness for someone who doesn't respect me? For someone who states "You do nothing to make me happy."?

My heart is broken this morning. I never wanted to give up on my marriage. But right now I feel like I have nothing left to give. The man that I love, doesn't love me.

I am broken. I don't know how to pick up the pieces. I don't know how to move on. I don't want to move on....I want my marriage. I want to be with my husband.

I know, though, that no matter what happens, I am going to be ok. I have to. I have four children who need their mom more then ever. I don't have time to sit and cry.

So maybe this is the end of the road...maybe it isn't...but right now i am focused on moving forward... with or without my husband.

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