Most times, if someone asks me "So, how are things going?" I will force a smile and say "things are good". And for the most part...things are good. But, there are days that things aren't so good...these are things that I don't talk about.
I don't like to talk about my "problems". I am, for the most part, a fairly private person. There are maybe one or two people that I will talk to, that I feel comfortable talking to about things. But the rest, well I don't share. Not because I don't want to...but I have this inherent fear of being judged.
15 years ago, my parents got a divorce. This divorce ripped our family apart. 15 years and people on both sides of the family still talk bad about the other. But it is my mom who gets most the slack. And I don't really think that it is fair.
No one really knows the whole story. Not even me, and I am their child. And that is ok. What I do know is that my mom made a very difficult choice 15 years ago. She should not have to answer to anyone,other than herself and to God, about that choice.
Now, I am in the same boat she was 15 years ago. My marriage is at that point where you start to wonder if it is really worth it anymore. But I don't talk about it. I don't talk about because I see the reaction, 15 years later, to my parents divorce. I hear the bad things that are said about my mom. I don't want to be on that side of the conversation.
So. I don't talk about it.
I wish that I could. I wish that I could open up and say "look, I tried, but my marriage is failing." But, without a doubt, I will be reminded of my responsibility. Yes, I have four kids... I know that. But is it fair to stay in a marriage just for them? My parents were not happy together in the years leading up to their divorce.
But. I don't talk about that.
I don't want my kids to feel the same pain that my brother and I both felt some 15 years ago. I don't want them to have to feel like they need to choose sides or that they need to have a parent whom they are loyal too.
So. I won't talk about it.
What I will talk about though is this...
Marriage takes work. My husband and I have had fights that would make you cringe. They have been loud. And at times they have been mean. We have resorted to grade-school behavior. Calling eachother names and putting eachother down in general. It has been nearly 4 years since we took our vows. And each day is work. We have to work to make our marriage strong. I have learned over the years that marriage is alot like a plant...if you turn your back on it, neglect it...it dies. But if you nuture it, love it and tend to it, it will more then likely thrive.
So, where does that leave us? Where does that leave me? Well, recently we decided that we would wait until after the holidays to decide what it is we are going to do. But to be completely honest...I think we are going to stay together. Neither one of us has done anything worthy of leaving the other over. We fight...but I think with some counseling and some patience, that could change.
But, like I said...
Somethings, I just don't talk about. ;)
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