Monday, August 30, 2010

I got nothing

I've been staring at this blank screen for a while now. There is so much that I want to say, but I don't know just how to say it.

Life has been pretty chaotic (and that is putting it nicely) this last week. In fact, for most of last week I was wondering what I had done to piss off the karmic gods. I called my mom and asked her why God hated me.

She told me that He didn't hate me. He had chosen this path for me for a reason.

I am not sure what that reason is.

I also learned that I cannot control how other people treat me (and let me just say, I was feeling pretty dang lousy) but I can control how I react to them and how I let it affect me. After spending some time feeling completely hopeless, and alone last week, I was forced to take a look at my life.

I felt that, for the last five years, I had just had one bad thing after another happen, and that I had nothing to show for it. Nothing other than an empty bank account and a tired spirit.

Then my husband asked me "How do you define your success?" This came after I compared myself to someone in my life that I really didn't like, but viewed as more successful then me.

I thought about it. Hard.

And you know what, I am successful. Just 6 short months ago, my marriage was on the verge of falling apart. Divorce was a topic I brought up often. But, we survived. We are stronger than before and re-commited to our marriage.  I have a husband who is honest, loving, supporting , and hardworking. I have four wonderful children. A roof over our head and food on the table. My writing career, while slow taking off, is taking off.

So maybe I don't have everything I wanted to have at this stage in my life, but the things I do have are awsome, and i wouldn't trade any of them for the world.

Maybe my mom was right, God did set me on this path for a reason. He set me on this path to teach me to appreciate the life that I have been given. He set me on this path to teach me to believe in myself and to know that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

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