Why Am I Crying: A Journey Through Postpartum Depression (pt2)

It is hard to believe that in 2 days Noah will be a month old. Although he is still smaller then the average newborn. He is doing well and is healthy, and that is all I could ask for given our situation.

As for me, I have my "days". Some are better then others, but overall I still occasionally feel like I am functioning in a very thick fog. I still blame it on lack of sleep, but in my heart of hearts I know that is not the case.

I still blame myself for the outcome of Noah's birth being the way it was. Was there something more I could have done to prevent the IUGR? Did I not pay close enough attention to the way my body was acting? I blamed myself for it all, despite the doctor assuring me that there was nothing I could have done.

These fears prevent me from truly enjoying my time with Noah. I wake many times a night to check on Noah convinced that if I sleep, something bad will happen to him. There have been many nights that I just sit there and watch his chest rising.

I have neglected myself in all of this. I spend all day fussing over Noah, and taking care of the other 3, that there are times that it is 8pm and I realize that I haven't eaten yet that day and am still wearing the ratty t-shirt and sweats I wore the night before.

I have yet to go on medication for PPD, as I am not all that convinced that I need it. Yes, I am in denial.

I am certain there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I just cannot see it yet